I went to the party, but I took another guy who I was friends with that lived in our neighborhood and made him promise not to let me do anything stupid. We showed up, met some new people, and my ex tried his best to get me to stay the night – but I didn’t. I was proud of myself, I stood up to him and showed him that I didn’t need him. When we got home there was a new guy that moved in several doors down and he was hot. We flirted for a while then we jumped the fence and went swimming. One thing led to another and I ended up in his bed. The next morning I did the walk of shame in a bikini at 6am from his townhouse to mine – two doors down. Let me tell you that was stupid because for the rest of the time I lived there, I felt like we were staking each other out. We slept together again after that, but it never amounted to much – mostly because of me. I took what happened as being just sex in his mind because I was so ashamed and embarrassed. Later on when we actually talked one night, he told me that he was interested in dating me, but we both agreed by that point it was too late. Our personal lives and actions were on display for each other. Every time he or I went on a date, the other one knew. It was hard not to when we practically lived next door to each other. I think for now I may end the story there since I’ve established a background for you and reflect on the original question – How much does our past shape our present?
Do the first examples of relationships in your early life set the foundation for what is to come? My parents’ marriage was a terrible example of how a man should treat a woman. My dad is no longer the man he was then, but then he was an evil son of a bitch at times. He never beat us, but he was verbally abusive, which at times I think is worse than being physically abusive. He also an alcoholic and I myself have struggled with drinking in my own life. I think I felt the desire to please others at a young age. I wanted to be and feel loved and I would do what it takes to achieve that. I would endure a bunch of lying and cheating to get attention. But why? I don’t know. I revisit all this because I want my love to know how I got to where I am today. I also want my kids to have a good example. I want them not only to treat others right, but pursue people that treat them right. I wasted a good ten years of my life with assholes, and for no good reason. Why not go after the best? Why settle for people that treat you like crap and use you?
I’m hoping between the two of us we can set a good example of what love is for our kids. We constantly kiss and hug our kids and tell them we love them. I want them to in turn show that love to others. I’ve finally met a man that accepts me for who I am and doesn’t want to change me. He also treats me with kindness and respect and makes me want to be a better person. I took a long circuitous road to get here, but I made it. Maybe in this case my past shaped my present for the better. It has forced me to examine myself and to be more aware and want better for my kids.
shellysharp 