A Day in the Life – Part 2

Lately I feel like I can’t win. I am struggling with my marriage and I just don’t know how to fix it. I read a blog my husband wrote the other day where he said “he didn’t think he was in love with me anymore.” That hurt, more than I can even explain. I don’t profess to be the best wife or mother, but I try pretty damn hard and it’s a blow to my ego when I hear something like this. I know the things that bother him and I’m trying to work on them, but I just have so many things on my plate that I’m not doing a good job. I have gotten so frustrated with him lately because I feel like I’m never good enough. The other day he was upset with me because I told him I wanted us to spend some time together, and then that night I fell asleep on the couch. When I woke up, I asked him if he wanted to go upstairs and he was pissy with me. So instead, he plays video games with his friends, and I go to bed.

Last night I was trying to be helpful and start dinner and everything was going on at one time. The baby was screaming bloody murder and I asked him to get her a bottle (we are trying to switch to a cup and she was not having it). He was gone for a long time, so I went downstairs and asked where the milk was in a frustrated manner and he snapped back at me. Then he later tells me, I didn’t greet him when he got home. I didn’t and I’m sorry, but it wasn’t like I was sitting on my ass. The rest of the night he spends stomping around and giving me the silent treatment.

When he is mad at me, I can feel it. It makes me feel like a child being scolded and I feel like I am walking on pins and needles. Lately, all he has been is mad at me. We haven’t had sex in a couple weeks, but as a woman when things aren’t going right, sex isn’t going to happen. I can’t be this other woman that he wants. I can’t put on sexy lingerie when I feel like shit about my body. I can’t be romantic and intimate when you are treating me like a naughty child. I’m human – I get tired, I have bad days, I want to be everything to everybody. I feel like when we go through these periods, you bring up all the bad and the world comes crashing down around me and I’m reminded of all my past failures. My house and my body are a wreck, and the only thing I can do consistently well is laundry. I’m trying, but I’m not superwoman – at least give me some realistic expectations to aim for.

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A Day in the Life – Part 1

I have struggled with time lately and writing has fallen to the bottom of my list. I am frustrated with my husband and our relationship right now and I don’t know how to fix it. We were doing great in the communication department and then it all fell apart. I titled this “A Day in the Life”  because I want to outline a typical day for me, for him to read – hoping that he will understand why I fall asleep on the couch or I have no desire to have sex.

A typical weekday starts at 5am – I’m up, dress for the gym, eat a small breakfast, most mornings have to change and feed the baby, and then also change and dress our 3 year old for the day. Lately I’ve been taking the 3 year old with me because he likes it and I figure it sets a good example for him and also because my husband is not a morning person and my son is. He is ready to go at 5:30am and doesn’t understand why Daddy doesn’t get up. After that I feed the dog and change the laundry over and I’m out the door at 5:45am. I go to the gym where I stay for about an hour and then I go right back home. I shower, dress, dry my hair and put makeup on and then I straighten up. I make all the beds, pick up the kids rooms, empty all the trash and dirty laundry, and make my way downstairs. I then fold and put away a load or two of laundry, start another load, and straighten up the kitchen and den area. Then I get both kids in their coats and car seats – most mornings at least one of them poops and has to be changed – and then we are off to the sitter. I drop both kids off and head to work. I work till about 3:30pm and then I head to pick up the kids. Afterwards, at least once or twice a week we visit my parents and/or sister who live close to my sitter. Then we head home and arrive between 4:30-5pm. The baby is ready to eat, so I almost immediately have to feed her while trying to entertain my energetic 3 year old. I also set up the coffee pot for the next morning, wash bottles and cups, and make the next days lunches. My husband walks in the door about 5:15-5:30pm and makes dinner. I am so unbelievably grateful for this one luxury because it takes a lot off my plate. We eat dinner, most nights the baby is in bed by 6pm, and then we have about an hour or so before bed. Both kids get baths most nights before or during this time, and my son likes to play or watch TV until bedtime. We put him in his room about 7:30pm and it takes a little while before he goes to sleep. Most nights he poops during this time, and has to be changed again (we are working on the pooping thing still). By 8pm I sit down for the first time since 5am. Most nights we watch TV for about an hour and I end up falling asleep on the couch. Some nights I nap for an hour, some nights two. Then I make my way upstairs to the bed, where I fall in and await the alarm again.

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My Life – The juggling Act (venting)

ImageI haven’t written in a while, mainly because I tried a few times, but didn’t like what I wrote. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately, trying to balance everything and feeling pretty mediocre. We had a great week off together, and then reality set back in. I cannot figure out how to balance everything I need and/or want to do. I know I’ve disappointed my love, but I just cannot get it together.

We came up with our “rules” and talked extensively about everything while we were away together and then we had a few days off at home before going back to work on Monday. I used this time to get some projects done and I immersed myself into the things I was doing and put everything else aside. 

I feel angry (probably not the most appropriate word) because all the changes and/or rules of the d/s relationship are for me. I’m the one having to step up and be the submissive and alter my behavior. While at times it’s exciting, there are times I feel the whole thing is silly almost like we are role-playing. Me Tarzan, You Jane – now swing from the tree with one hand, at a 65 degree angle, and don’t breath until you’re done. I know I’m being silly, but I couldn’t resist.There are things like my love wants me to wear a special necklace in public – which I have no problem with – however I a) can’t wear the same one everyday b) have to wear something that goes with what I am wearing. It’s not that I’m vain, but I have people that I’m around all the time that would notice and say something. The name calling. I don’t mind calling him my love, but the other night I accidentally called him by his name and you would have thought I called him ‘asshole.’

Another thing that has irritated me this week is he hurt his back Friday night or Saturday – which meant no sex, no big deal. But it’s like as soon as he’s better, I feel the pressure is on to get back at it. At times I feel like he’s chasing me, which is a total turnoff for me. Other times I can see the disappoint in his face and/or body language when I’m not interested which frustrates me even more. I just need to wrap my brain around all this, and figure out how to make it work, my only problem – when have I got the time?

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Getting started – our path to a d/s relationship

Writing is becoming something that is very cathartic for me. I used to write every day when I was growing up, and then when I got to college I quit.  My love and I talked in great detail last night about trying a d/s relationship.  We have kicked the idea around for about a month now. We have both been exploring on our own with the intent of coming together with what we found. I felt bad because I didn’t come as prepared as he did. I have read lots, but last week was super busy and I just didn’t devote the time to research like I should have.

I tried to explain what comes to mind when I think about dominance – control, authority, strong sense of self, and power.  In my mind, when coupled with submission, there is a dark aura that surrounds the dominant person.  In comparison, when I think about submission I think about weakness, bondage, little to no sense of self, and loss of control. I realize most of these characteristics are actually common misconceptions, but nonetheless, they exist in my subconscious. I’m working to get over these, but it will take both time and research.

However, I think I may have found an issue. I am a control freak. I like being in charge, I like doing things my way, and I don’t like being told what to do. This could be a problem. I have always been in a position of leadership. I was the captain of the cross country team in high school, captain of the softball team in college and high school, and at work I am in a position of high authority. I’ve spent most of my adult life single, taking care of myself, and now he’s asking me to submit and let him take care of me.

My loves main goal is for us to be more attuned to each others needs, to foster personal growth, and for me to figure out who I am and who I want to be. This appeals to me, but I still struggle with “how do we get there from here?”  I think I can do this, but it’s going to take a lot of time and work. I think tonight we will develop a general outline of ideas.

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The Power of the Mind

The other day I was thinking, and I had a childhood memory resurface that I hadn’t thought about for quite some time. I was roughly 10 years old, it was winter, and the weather was supposed to get bad. I live in an area where it hardly ever snows, and if it does, the world shuts down. Well apparently the weather was supposed to get bad quickly, so the school dismissed early. My sister and I sat outside around the flagpole while slowly all the kids began to go home. We waited and waited, but nobody came to pick us up. Finally we had to go to the office and call our parents.  My dad was supposed to pick us up, but he was a no show. Eventually, my brother shows up in his little red Porsche and gives us a ride home.
My brother told his that my dad was “stuck at work,” but when we got home, we realized my dad didn’t pick us up because he was drunk and forgot. Even though most of the particulars are foggy, I remember sitting outside and feeling abandoned. Why does the mind choose to remember these bad memories? Why not forget the bad ones and remember the good ones? I know I had plenty of good memories as a child, and yet the bad ones are the ones I can remember more clearly. I had a mostly happy childhood, but I hang on to these memories like they are my crosses to bear when they aren’t.
Blogging has made me be more reflective in the last month and the complexities of the mind are fascinating to me. The d/s lifestyle also fascinates me. There is trust, communication, obedience, devotion, and a whole slew of other intricacies that make up this lifestyle. What parts will we choose, how will we implement them in our lives, what memories will we take away? All questions that ask for consideration…

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Tug of War

Tug of War

“Life can be compared to a game called “TUG OF WAR”. Other people will pull you to make them win and even pull you harder when they thought you’re almost winning! But when you remained strong despite of the force they exerted, no one could hamper you from getting the victory which both of you are aiming!”
– unknown

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Why give when you can take?

I want to preface this by saying it is written in disappointment and a bit of anger and may be a bit harsher than necessary to get a point across.

I spent last weekend away from my love and the kids and it was great. I was supposed to be scrap-booking, but I spent a lot of time on the internet reading about the d/s lifestyle we are trying to embark on together. I also did a fair amount of organizing pictures and such, and it reminded me how much I enjoyed sitting down and scrap-booking. I’ve always wanted to be crafty, but unfortunately I have never been very artistic. I spent a lot of time learning, and I’ve done our wedding album and a baby album for my son and I love them. With the busyness of life and having another baby, I haven’t been able to piece the time together to do anything past the first year of his life (he’s three) and I haven’t even started my second child’s album. I bring all this up mainly for background.

This weekend really had me thinking that I want a space where I can set everything up and leave it out. This would allow me to be able to work on it in little increments of time, without having to pull out everything and set it up. I spent a ton of time measuring and trying to find the perfect furniture, but when I found something it was flat-packed, had to be assembled, and it wasn’t cheap. I wasn’t a fan of spending a lot of money on something and then having to assemble everything too. In the meantime, I came up with the idea of asking my love to move his office and let me have that room. That was a mistake. I knew the answer before I asked the question, but I asked anyway. Now to the root of the problem.

I’m a giver, I always have been. A friend needs money to make their car payment – here you go. A friend needs money for some dental repair – okay. My love wanted to spend a large amount of money on the body of an old car he was working on – go ahead. My love wanted to quit his job and go back to school – go ahead. My mom wants me to stop by at an inconvenient time – sure no problem. My sister wants me to watch her kids so she can run an errand, even though unbeknownst to her I’ve already planned something else – what time do I need to be there. Let’s try a d/s relationship – sure my love. And the list goes on and on. I constantly put others before myself and sometimes to the extent that it makes my own life more challenging.

I sit here at a period in my life of self discovery and I realize this has got to change. I’m just like everyone else – I have wants and needs too. Last night, I wanted my love to look at me and say okay, but he didn’t. At the end, when he knew I was upset, I think he probably would have given in – I didn’t want it like that. I wanted him to give it to me, just like I give him the things he wants. I don’t want to make it sound like my love doesn’t ever give me things, but he is definitely not a giver.

I think I’m going to start taking (at least some of the time) – old habits die hard.

 

 

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