A Day in the Life – Part 2

Lately I feel like I can’t win. I am struggling with my marriage and I just don’t know how to fix it. I read a blog my husband wrote the other day where he said “he didn’t think he was in love with me anymore.” That hurt, more than I can even explain. I don’t profess to be the best wife or mother, but I try pretty damn hard and it’s a blow to my ego when I hear something like this. I know the things that bother him and I’m trying to work on them, but I just have so many things on my plate that I’m not doing a good job. I have gotten so frustrated with him lately because I feel like I’m never good enough. The other day he was upset with me because I told him I wanted us to spend some time together, and then that night I fell asleep on the couch. When I woke up, I asked him if he wanted to go upstairs and he was pissy with me. So instead, he plays video games with his friends, and I go to bed.

Last night I was trying to be helpful and start dinner and everything was going on at one time. The baby was screaming bloody murder and I asked him to get her a bottle (we are trying to switch to a cup and she was not having it). He was gone for a long time, so I went downstairs and asked where the milk was in a frustrated manner and he snapped back at me. Then he later tells me, I didn’t greet him when he got home. I didn’t and I’m sorry, but it wasn’t like I was sitting on my ass. The rest of the night he spends stomping around and giving me the silent treatment.

When he is mad at me, I can feel it. It makes me feel like a child being scolded and I feel like I am walking on pins and needles. Lately, all he has been is mad at me. We haven’t had sex in a couple weeks, but as a woman when things aren’t going right, sex isn’t going to happen. I can’t be this other woman that he wants. I can’t put on sexy lingerie when I feel like shit about my body. I can’t be romantic and intimate when you are treating me like a naughty child. I’m human – I get tired, I have bad days, I want to be everything to everybody. I feel like when we go through these periods, you bring up all the bad and the world comes crashing down around me and I’m reminded of all my past failures. My house and my body are a wreck, and the only thing I can do consistently well is laundry. I’m trying, but I’m not superwoman – at least give me some realistic expectations to aim for.

A Day in the Life – Part 1

I have struggled with time lately and writing has fallen to the bottom of my list. I am frustrated with my husband and our relationship right now and I don’t know how to fix it. We were doing great in the communication department and then it all fell apart. I titled this “A Day in the Life”  because I want to outline a typical day for me, for him to read – hoping that he will understand why I fall asleep on the couch or I have no desire to have sex.

A typical weekday starts at 5am – I’m up, dress for the gym, eat a small breakfast, most mornings have to change and feed the baby, and then also change and dress our 3 year old for the day. Lately I’ve been taking the 3 year old with me because he likes it and I figure it sets a good example for him and also because my husband is not a morning person and my son is. He is ready to go at 5:30am and doesn’t understand why Daddy doesn’t get up. After that I feed the dog and change the laundry over and I’m out the door at 5:45am. I go to the gym where I stay for about an hour and then I go right back home. I shower, dress, dry my hair and put makeup on and then I straighten up. I make all the beds, pick up the kids rooms, empty all the trash and dirty laundry, and make my way downstairs. I then fold and put away a load or two of laundry, start another load, and straighten up the kitchen and den area. Then I get both kids in their coats and car seats – most mornings at least one of them poops and has to be changed – and then we are off to the sitter. I drop both kids off and head to work. I work till about 3:30pm and then I head to pick up the kids. Afterwards, at least once or twice a week we visit my parents and/or sister who live close to my sitter. Then we head home and arrive between 4:30-5pm. The baby is ready to eat, so I almost immediately have to feed her while trying to entertain my energetic 3 year old. I also set up the coffee pot for the next morning, wash bottles and cups, and make the next days lunches. My husband walks in the door about 5:15-5:30pm and makes dinner. I am so unbelievably grateful for this one luxury because it takes a lot off my plate. We eat dinner, most nights the baby is in bed by 6pm, and then we have about an hour or so before bed. Both kids get baths most nights before or during this time, and my son likes to play or watch TV until bedtime. We put him in his room about 7:30pm and it takes a little while before he goes to sleep. Most nights he poops during this time, and has to be changed again (we are working on the pooping thing still). By 8pm I sit down for the first time since 5am. Most nights we watch TV for about an hour and I end up falling asleep on the couch. Some nights I nap for an hour, some nights two. Then I make my way upstairs to the bed, where I fall in and await the alarm again.

My Life – The juggling Act (venting)

I haven’t written in a while, mainly because I tried a few times, but didn’t like what I wrote. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately, trying to balance everything and feeling pretty mediocre. We had a great week off together, and then reality set back in. I cannot figure out how to balance everything I need and/or want to do. I know I’ve disappointed my love, but I just cannot get it together.

We came up with our “rules” and talked extensively about everything while we were away together and then we had a few days off at home before going back to work on Monday. I used this time to get some projects done and I immersed myself into the things I was doing and put everything else aside. 

I feel angry (probably not the most appropriate word) because all the changes and/or rules of the d/s relationship are for me. I’m the one having to step up and be the submissive and alter my behavior. While at times it’s exciting, there are times I feel the whole thing is silly almost like we are role-playing. Me Tarzan, You Jane – now swing from the tree with one hand, at a 65 degree angle, and don’t breath until you’re done. I know I’m being silly, but I couldn’t resist.There are things like my love wants me to wear a special necklace in public – which I have no problem with – however I a) can’t wear the same one everyday b) have to wear something that goes with what I am wearing. It’s not that I’m vain, but I have people that I’m around all the time that would notice and say something. The name calling. I don’t mind calling him my love, but the other night I accidentally called him by his name and you would have thought I called him ‘asshole.’

Another thing that has irritated me this week is he hurt his back Friday night or Saturday – which meant no sex, no big deal. But it’s like as soon as he’s better, I feel the pressure is on to get back at it. At times I feel like he’s chasing me, which is a total turnoff for me. Other times I can see the disappoint in his face and/or body language when I’m not interested which frustrates me even more. I just need to wrap my brain around all this, and figure out how to make it work, my only problem – when have I got the time?

Getting started – our path to a d/s relationship

Writing is becoming something that is very cathartic for me. I used to write every day when I was growing up, and then when I got to college I quit.  My love and I talked in great detail last night about trying a d/s relationship.  We have kicked the idea around for about a month now. We have both been exploring on our own with the intent of coming together with what we found. I felt bad because I didn’t come as prepared as he did. I have read lots, but last week was super busy and I just didn’t devote the time to research like I should have.

I tried to explain what comes to mind when I think about dominance – control, authority, strong sense of self, and power.  In my mind, when coupled with submission, there is a dark aura that surrounds the dominant person.  In comparison, when I think about submission I think about weakness, bondage, little to no sense of self, and loss of control. I realize most of these characteristics are actually common misconceptions, but nonetheless, they exist in my subconscious. I’m working to get over these, but it will take both time and research.

However, I think I may have found an issue. I am a control freak. I like being in charge, I like doing things my way, and I don’t like being told what to do. This could be a problem. I have always been in a position of leadership. I was the captain of the cross country team in high school, captain of the softball team in college and high school, and at work I am in a position of high authority. I’ve spent most of my adult life single, taking care of myself, and now he’s asking me to submit and let him take care of me.

My loves main goal is for us to be more attuned to each others needs, to foster personal growth, and for me to figure out who I am and who I want to be. This appeals to me, but I still struggle with “how do we get there from here?”  I think I can do this, but it’s going to take a lot of time and work. I think tonight we will develop a general outline of ideas.

The Power of the Mind

The other day I was thinking, and I had a childhood memory resurface that I hadn’t thought about for quite some time. I was roughly 10 years old, it was winter, and the weather was supposed to get bad. I live in an area where it hardly ever snows, and if it does, the world shuts down. Well apparently the weather was supposed to get bad quickly, so the school dismissed early. My sister and I sat outside around the flagpole while slowly all the kids began to go home. We waited and waited, but nobody came to pick us up. Finally we had to go to the office and call our parents.  My dad was supposed to pick us up, but he was a no show. Eventually, my brother shows up in his little red Porsche and gives us a ride home.
My brother told his that my dad was “stuck at work,” but when we got home, we realized my dad didn’t pick us up because he was drunk and forgot. Even though most of the particulars are foggy, I remember sitting outside and feeling abandoned. Why does the mind choose to remember these bad memories? Why not forget the bad ones and remember the good ones? I know I had plenty of good memories as a child, and yet the bad ones are the ones I can remember more clearly. I had a mostly happy childhood, but I hang on to these memories like they are my crosses to bear when they aren’t.
Blogging has made me be more reflective in the last month and the complexities of the mind are fascinating to me. The d/s lifestyle also fascinates me. There is trust, communication, obedience, devotion, and a whole slew of other intricacies that make up this lifestyle. What parts will we choose, how will we implement them in our lives, what memories will we take away? All questions that ask for consideration…

Tug of War

“Life can be compared to a game called “TUG OF WAR”. Other people will pull you to make them win and even pull you harder when they thought you’re almost winning! But when you remained strong despite of the force they exerted, no one could hamper you from getting the victory which both of you are aiming!”
– unknown

Why give when you can take?

I want to preface this by saying it is written in disappointment and a bit of anger and may be a bit harsher than necessary to get a point across.

I spent last weekend away from my love and the kids and it was great. I was supposed to be scrap-booking, but I spent a lot of time on the internet reading about the d/s lifestyle we are trying to embark on together. I also did a fair amount of organizing pictures and such, and it reminded me how much I enjoyed sitting down and scrap-booking. I’ve always wanted to be crafty, but unfortunately I have never been very artistic. I spent a lot of time learning, and I’ve done our wedding album and a baby album for my son and I love them. With the busyness of life and having another baby, I haven’t been able to piece the time together to do anything past the first year of his life (he’s three) and I haven’t even started my second child’s album. I bring all this up mainly for background.

This weekend really had me thinking that I want a space where I can set everything up and leave it out. This would allow me to be able to work on it in little increments of time, without having to pull out everything and set it up. I spent a ton of time measuring and trying to find the perfect furniture, but when I found something it was flat-packed, had to be assembled, and it wasn’t cheap. I wasn’t a fan of spending a lot of money on something and then having to assemble everything too. In the meantime, I came up with the idea of asking my love to move his office and let me have that room. That was a mistake. I knew the answer before I asked the question, but I asked anyway. Now to the root of the problem.

I’m a giver, I always have been. A friend needs money to make their car payment – here you go. A friend needs money for some dental repair – okay. My love wanted to spend a large amount of money on the body of an old car he was working on – go ahead. My love wanted to quit his job and go back to school – go ahead. My mom wants me to stop by at an inconvenient time – sure no problem. My sister wants me to watch her kids so she can run an errand, even though unbeknownst to her I’ve already planned something else – what time do I need to be there. Let’s try a d/s relationship – sure my love. And the list goes on and on. I constantly put others before myself and sometimes to the extent that it makes my own life more challenging.

I sit here at a period in my life of self discovery and I realize this has got to change. I’m just like everyone else – I have wants and needs too. Last night, I wanted my love to look at me and say okay, but he didn’t. At the end, when he knew I was upset, I think he probably would have given in – I didn’t want it like that. I wanted him to give it to me, just like I give him the things he wants. I don’t want to make it sound like my love doesn’t ever give me things, but he is definitely not a giver.

I think I’m going to start taking (at least some of the time) – old habits die hard.

 

 

The Balancing Act

I look at my love and I feel like I’m a young teenager in love. His hand touches me and I feel little electric currents on my skin and I don’t want him to stop. I can’t stop thinking about him during the day, and when I get home I am forced to wait patiently for the kids to go to bed. Like anything new, I’m desperately seeking a balance. Not to be a naysayer, but realistically how long is having sex multiple times a day going to last? As we both know, life gets in the way – that’s what got us here in the first place.

Next week we are going on vacation, and even though the kids will be with us, I’ve asked for us to sit down and really hammer out our d/s relationship while we have some time off together. I find myself asking what expectations do I have? What scares me? What excites me? And the big one for me – how do you balance it all? This is all so new to me, and I’ve spent hours over the last two weeks exploring not only d/s relationships and my sexuality, but who I am.

One of the biggest struggles I have is how to incorporate this lifestyle into normal everyday life. The other night while we were in the midst of having fun, my son calls out for me. I start to get up, but then quickly cover myself before he opens the door, realizing I have on leather cuffs, nipple rings with a chain, and no clothes on. My son is three, and not only is he very articulate, he has a good memory and tends to repeat what he has seen or heard. That could make for an interesting conversation with others! So again how do you balance without things feeling planned or forced? 

How much does our past shape our present? Part 4

I went to the party, but I took another guy who I was friends with that lived in our neighborhood and made him promise not to let me do anything stupid. We showed up, met some new people, and my ex tried his best to get me to stay the night – but I didn’t. I was proud of myself, I stood up to him and showed him that I didn’t need him. When we got home there was a new guy that moved in several doors down and he was hot. We flirted for a while then we jumped the fence and went swimming. One thing led to another and I ended up in his bed.  The next morning I did the walk of shame in a bikini at 6am from his townhouse to mine – two doors down. Let me tell you that was stupid because for the rest of the time I lived there, I felt like we were staking each other out. We slept together again after that, but it never amounted to much – mostly because of me. I took what happened as being just sex in his mind because I was so ashamed and embarrassed. Later on when we actually talked one night, he told me that he was interested in dating me, but we both agreed by that point it was too late. Our personal lives and actions were on display for each other. Every time he or I went on a date, the other one knew. It was hard not to when we practically lived next door to each other. I think for now I may end the story there since I’ve established a background for you and reflect on the original question – How much does our past shape our present?

Do the first examples of relationships in your early life set the foundation for what is to come? My parents’ marriage was a terrible example of how a man should treat a woman. My dad is no longer the man he was then, but then he was an evil son of a bitch at times. He never beat us, but he was verbally abusive, which at times I think is worse than being physically abusive. He also an alcoholic and I myself have struggled with drinking in my own life. I think I felt the desire to please others at a young age. I wanted to be and feel loved and I would do what it takes to achieve that. I would endure a bunch of lying and cheating to get attention. But why? I don’t know. I revisit all this because I want my love to know how I got to where I am today. I also want my kids to have a good example. I want them not only to treat others right, but pursue people that treat them right. I wasted a good ten years of my life with assholes, and for no good reason.  Why not go after the best? Why settle for people that treat you like crap and use you?

I’m hoping between the two of us we can set a good example of what love is for our kids. We constantly kiss and hug our kids and tell them we love them. I want them to in turn show that love to others. I’ve finally met a man that accepts me for who I am and doesn’t want to change me. He also treats me with kindness and respect and makes me want to be a better person. I took a long circuitous road to get here, but I made it. Maybe in this case my past shaped my present for the better. It has forced me to examine myself and to be more aware and want better for my kids.

How much does our past shape our present? Part 3

I moved into our townhouse and within the next day or so we had a party. The guy I had talked to on the phone was there and we got along pretty well. I hadn’t been seeing anyone, so it was a nice change. We went out on a date about a week later and it ended up with a few drinks and us having sex. Now this wasn’t typical of me and I was somewhat embarrassed. Of course he told me that it wasn’t typical behavior of him either. I believed him and so our relationship started. Within a week or so, I found out he was back with the girl he had been dating before I moved back. Having just been through this disastrous situation, I told him to pick now, I wasn’t playing that game. He told me that he picked me, and I took him at his word and went with it. We spent a great deal of time together after that and things seemed great. Then a few weeks into our relationship, I found out from his friend that he was still seeing the other woman. I confronted him and told him I wasn’t going to be the other woman. According to him, he broke up with her and we continued on seeing each other. Months went by and things were great. We had a lot of fun together and there was a group of us that hung out and got along great.

In February five of us went on a camping trip, but his best friend’s girlfriend didn’t go. At the campfire his friend (who secretly had a thing for me) confessed to me that my boyfriend had never stopped seeing his old girlfriend. I was devastated. Now I know most of you are thinking, you are a moron how could you not know, but I didn’t. He was over my house multiple nights a week and if I wasn’t with him, most of the time I knew where he was, I just didn’t know he was with her too. The worst part is most of “my friends” knew, and never said a word. One day his friend called him while we were hanging out together and I listened on the phone unbeknownst to him. He was trying to get his story straight and desperately trying to figure out a way to lie himself out of the situation. At this point I was finally done. I started hanging out with some new friends, and that old group pretty much fell apart. That spring I met another guy who was a lot of fun to be around. He was happy, entertaining, very sociable, and everyone liked him – including me. By this time, I no longer knew the warning signals and little did I know I had gotten myself involved with a player.

About six of us hung out as a group constantly. He was talking to one of my friends, but she wasn’t interested in him and was using him to buy stuff for her. We hung out countless times and nothing ever happened, and then one night she cancelled at the last minute. Six of us went out to a party and everyone was pairing off – next thing I know it was just him and I. I didn’t want to betray my friend, but he persisted. I was at a low, and he persisted in a way that I have never been come on to before – I caved. We ended up in bed together and the situation escalated from there.

My friend continued seeing him, but she wasn’t interested in him, so I didn’t feel like it mattered. We spent lots of time together, had lots of sex, and I actually felt happy. When she wasn’t around we were a couple and he treated me like gold, but we were always sneaking around. This should have been my warning sign, but I didn’t see the writing on the wall. Then one night he shows up at a party at my house with “his girlfriend.” I was devastated, but at that point I knew it had been about sex.

I walked away from him, but even then I knew that this was one of the worst things I have ever done to a friend in my life, and it is one of the things I would change if I could. At this point I was so emotionally scarred that I was in no shape for any kind of relationship. Of course, like any good romance novel would have it, my ex-boyfriend calls out of the blue and invites me to a party. Stay tuned for me…